Perception

What is bravery? Is it donning body armor and walking into the most dangerous shanty towns in Brazil? Is it a police woman or man getting up and facing the darkest parts of humanity every day? Is it soldiers at war, for their ideology or country?

Or is putting one foot in front of the other, when your foot is tired and your body is weak and nothing wants to work anymore?

Is it getting out of bed on the mornings when the pain and uncertainty weighs you down like concrete?

Is it managing to find laughter and joy and peace amidst the chaos that your life has become?

What is grace? Is it the woman who walk down the catwalks of Milan, in clothing that costs more than a small car? Is it the artificially stunning people of Hollywood who flaunt their wealth and beauty to the world? Is it a long dead princess, with an entourage of beauticians in the wings?

Or is it a glow in your skin because you are doing all you possibly can to be the best you can?

Is it a nature that finds the best in every soul it comes across?

Is it a soul, filled with joyous light where there should be sadness?

What is love? Is it Shakespearian dramas filled with angst and resistance? Is it the body of lust and shallowness? Is it the movies we see?

Or is it the love one soul has for another, which transcends health?

Is it giving your everything for one who has no strength?

Is it the caretaker, the nurturer, the selfless?

Perhaps it is all these things. And many more.

I have a friend with Multiple Sclerosis. Every day her bravery, joy and strength inspires me.

As does her beloved, whose attentiveness and selflessness astounds me every day.

Too often we don’t have any role models. Anyone to teach us how to find the best in ourselves just by being who they are.

I have 2.

Bucket List

I have a bucket list.

Things that I have always wanted to do / see / experience.

Nothing that I have ever really thought about in detail. Just vague ideas that have survived my brain for 39 years.

It is not a very long list. Nor is it in any particular order. But it is still my list.

  • I want to see The Smoke that Thunders. I want to feel the spray on my face. Just simply because it is called The Smoke that Thunders.
  • I want to take a cruise from Seattle / Vancouver up to Glacier Bay National Park.  I have always thought that white desolate cold to be one of the most beautiful places in the world.
  • I want to take an epic train journey. Either the Canadian which travels over the Rocky Mountains or the Trans-Siberian which travels from Pacific Ocean and St. Petersburg and from which you can explore the Russian Arctic, the Silk Road or Moscow.
  • I want to explore Africa in all its majesty. From Windhoek to Dar Es Salaam. Perhaps even by train (Rovos Rail).
  • I want to skydive. Just because I want to fly.
  • I want new, smaller boobs. Because having big un’s in not all it is cracked up to be.
  • I want to ride horses again. Because as a child – that is when I felt the most free.
  • I want to buy my own house. It doesn’t have to be very big or majestic. It must perhaps have a pool, definitely a garden, and the normal basics. And it must be mine to do with as I please.
  • I want to write a book. About everything. And nothing. And the bits in between.
  • I want to come off all the meds and feel healthy. And if you are someone who has never really fully felt healthy due to weight, health or physical issues – then you know why this is on my bucket list.

Rewire your brain…

The subconscious mentality of a fat person as written by a reformed fatty…

I cannot park in that small parking bay-there won’t be enough space for me to get out of my car.

When in a crowded shopping mall – I will automatically give a wider bit of way because my idea of how large I actually am is exaggerated.

When dishing up food – I will dish up more for myself than I actually need because my idea of how much food I need is skewed.

When cooking for guests – I will always make more than necessary because I believe everyone eats the same amount of food as I do.

When trying on clothing – I will unconsciously pick sizes too large for me because that is how large I think I am.

When buying a handbag – I will get the largest one there. Not because I know that at least then it is in proportion to my body but actually because my brain tells me to go large – because I am fat.

When buying jewellery – I will go for the largest, chunkiest pieces because surely I can’t possibly wear anything fine and delicate as it will look funny.

You get the idea ne?

So every day, I make a conscious effort to think like a thin person and I attempt to rewire my brain.

So far I have gotten the following …

My portions are automatically smaller-and instead of having 2 potatoes because I am hungry, I have 1 plus a tomato. Or 3 tomato’s. I love  tomato’s.

When faced with a block of oh so yummy chocolate – I have 1 or 2 blocks. Because, actually, that is all I really wanted in the first place.

When buying clothing – I purposefully take a size smaller than I think I am. And 9 times out of 10 – it fits.

When parking – I don’t skip the parking bay squashed in between two idiots in SUV’s who think the demarcated lines should be half a millimeter from their tyres because I don’t think I will be able to get out of my car. I channel thin person and I contort but I can get out.

When faced with a slightly open sliding door (open enough for a thin person) – I don’t automatically make it wider. I fit. Because I do.

You get the idea ne?

Change the way you see things.

Change your reality.

Rewire your brain.

Just do it.

It works.

I promise.