Isolation

So my world crashed. I caught a cold. Big whoop I hear you say?

Sunday morning 2 weeks ago I had a thought of a thought that I may be getting perhaps a tad ill.

Sunday night I was vrot (in South African vernacular that means rotten).

Monday morning I went to the GP. Repeat Tuesday. Repeat Wednesday. Wednesday I was admitted to hospital. Fast forward 8 days and the Multi Drug Resistant Bronchospasm and asthma I have finally started letting up enough for me to be discharged.

Fast forward a further 6 days and I still feel vrot. Only difference is that now I have a nice doctors bill to pay off.

Add a touch of depressed, a sprinkling of steroid induced irritation and a boatload of I’m just so tired of this shit and you have something that approximates how I feel right now.

Then my sister, the only real family I have left that matters (apart from my mom that is elderly) mentions that for job security they may have to emigrate to New Zealand.

Last night was a blur of tears and sleep and tears.

I don’t quite know how I got to this place of isolation. This place of if my sister leaves I have no one to really lean on or rely on. This place of financial strain and physical ridiculousness.

This place of sadness.

Growing up I don’t remember having dreams of a family and kids and what what.

But surely I did?

And now I am here.

No family. No kids. Isolated perhaps, alone definitely. Not necessarily lonely. Just very alone.

How do you change a reality?

I wouldn’t even know where to start.

2 thoughts on “Isolation”

  1. That is a lot to cope with in one week! Sometimes all we need to make a big change is to decide to do it – then we wonder why we thought it would be so hard – it’s really just habit keeping us doing what we do each day – technically we could dig our heels in and scream “NO!” lol! I’m sure you’ll find a way to do what you need to look after yourself. There is a HUGE South African expat community in New Zealand – have you considered going with your family? Huge, I know, but a thought 🙂

    Warmest wishes,
    Darcy.

    1. My mother is here Darcy, and to leave her in the last few years of her life would be cruel. Perhaps it will become an option once she passes over. Also – I could never leave my animals. They are truly my babies.

      Thank you so much for your lovely message.

Your thoughts are always most welcome.