The light of a Soul

URGH!!!!!

There are times in my life that I regret. Magnificent moments of utter catastrophe. Moments you  hide even from the closest of close friends. Moments that not even copious amounts of alcohol can prize from your soul. They are the moments that people judge you for – whether they have a right to or not. Regardless of how far you have come. Where you are now. What you have achieved. Moments of black that mar your soul and shape your destiny. Moments where you are so far from Grace and Faith and Hope that nothing makes sense. Nothing matters. Except stillness. And dark solace. And no more pain.

Those moments I can deal with. I am good at moments like that. There have been rather a few. So I know how to process. The decisions that lead to an event and an event so huge it carries visible and emotive consequence. I am very good at consequences.

But what about the small moments? The little ones where you harm another without intention? The moments when you make another doubt who they are. Or perhaps even what they are. Not with any kind of maliciousness. Not with any kind of wish to harm. But harmful none the less.

I don’t have many close, call in an emergency type friends. Friends that, at your lowest point – the point when your damnation of yourself is absolute – they still find the grace of your soul beautiful. Friends like that. The ones that God sends. I have been luckier than most I guess. Over the years, God has blessed me with a few. Perhaps because he knew I would need them more than most.

I do have many, many acquaintances. People who are fun. People who fill the grey of a rather mundane and introverted life with light and colour and balance and joy. They are ‘acquaintances’ merely in the distinction of the 2 words. They add immense value to my life. And I would hope that I add immense value to theirs.

Sometimes though, the acquaintance crosses over into the friend. They bring an intrinsic value to my life that belongs only to them. Sometimes, Faith brings them. Sometimes, work. Sometimes, worlds just collide and the light in one sees the light in another. And the light makes sense. The light of a similar soul. A similar Grace. A similar Faith. The light in one soul, understands the light in another. That is how I see real friendship. The light in one soul, finding, understanding and accepting the light of another soul.

Except this time, because of stupidity. Or naivety. Or just some complete assholic batshit craziness on my part – someone ended up getting hurt. Those moments – I don’t always know how to process those moments.

So generally – I write. Because in anonymous words I can find the ways to say sorry that I cannot always find in person.

Without intent. Without malice. Without wanting to. The massive amounts of stupid that I carry around in my soul reared it’s head and bingo bongo – shitstorm.

I hurt someone I really didn’t want to hurt the other day. Someone kind, and gentle. Someone gracious. And Grace filled. Someone that is already filled with hurt. The hurt of others, the hurt that others leave behind – but also the hurt we inflict on ourselves. I understand that kind of light.

Over the years, I have a learnt that Grace sometimes leads us to places we don’t always understand. But we still have choice. I got a bit lost in the stupidity of choice. And I made the wrong choice.

I will not chose wrong again. And I won’t let you chose wrong, with me, again either.

I am so sorry.

I will not hurt you again.

I promise.

Gastricly Speaking

So 2 years ago give or take a month, I had a gastric bypass.
Basically I had my stomach (internally) made smaller and a whole bunch of intestine bypassed.

A whole mess of people have said that I should have done it the ‘old fashioned way’ and a slightly smaller mass of less polite people have flat out said I took the easy way out .

And every single one of these people are thin. Maybe not supermodel thin, but thin none the less.

So here is the answer to them that they cannot seem to understand.

1. Fat runs in our family. I know that sounds like a cliché but, and it is a big but, that doesn’t make it untrue. We go back generations and on both sides of a familial line. 90% of my gene is fat. The other 10% is my red hair… 🙂

2. I did try it the ‘old fashioned way’. And it worked to a degree. But no matter how many mountains I climbed (please note, fat does not mean unfit), how many small meals I ate, how much I went to the gym, the weight only went down so far and then plateau became my best friend.

3. I got sick somewhere in all of number 2 above and got put on a whole banana boat worth of cortisone. Sjoe I was so swollen my lips split open. For those of you who don’t know – cortisone = swollen and usually = heavy duty weight gain.

4. At my biggest I was 170kg. People who didn’t understand the illness and what cortisone does to you, judged me continuously. Friends and strangers alike. I cannot begin to describe to you what weighing that much, being that sick and being judged does to a self-esteem. It is probably easier to just say there was no self-esteem.

5. I got the gastric bypass to save my life. My life. Very important and often misplaced words. My life. The one I have to live. The one I inhabit and make my own. My life.

I have lost 70kg and I want to lose another 30. However, if I don’t that is fine too. Because along the way I realized that I don’t need to be thin. I need to be happy. Free from caring what others think of me.

Alone in my space and at peace.

That is all any of us need. So the next time you feel a need to pass judgment on what you perceive to be ugly, deformed, disabled, fat – just stop a moment. And be alone in your own space, at peace. And afford that gift to others.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans

They say life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

To me that translates as….

Life is that moment in the morning when you decide to be happy instead of sad. Even when sad is easier.

Life is that moment when you smile at a stranger instead of frowning. Even when they do something to annoy you.

Life is that moment when you stand up and take a step instead of collapsing into a puddle of tears. Even when the entire world is on your shoulders and it is hard, so very hard, to walk.

Life is this moment. This moment of being, of existing, of making small choices.

To smile. To be happy. To be free. To be strong. To face yourself. To face others. To step out of your comfort zone. To choose health. To choose exercise. To choose acceptance of self. To be.

Life is now.

Yet we spend an infinite number of moments making other plans.

One day, when I am thin, I will be happy.

One day, when I am rich, I will be content.

One day, when I am more, I will be loved.

One day, when I am famous, I will be worthy.

One day………

One day will never come.

Because being rich, famous, worthy, thin is not magically going to make you happy.

This moment now – this moment of accepting, of being, of choosing, is the one you exist in.

This moment is the one you have to live with.

This moment is the one that makes you stronger, or weaker, and prepares you for the next moment.

This moment is life.

This moment is choice.

Choose wisely.